BlogIraq

This time its not about politics. If you're looking for another entry talking about the politics of Iraq, just hit the close button of this page. I just feel so lonely and could not find something better to do than share it with you.

I am in the middle of no where here in Sudan. Yeah people. Believe it or not. I have been in Sudan for about two months now. I left Baghdad to Syria last September, and left Damascus last November to Khartoum. Why? you're asking?

Its because it is the only country that cared enough to give Visa and residence for a PhD holder like myself. I feel so scattered. My wife and daughter are in Baghdad and the rest of my family are in Amman. And I feel so lonely.

I miss the heavenly smile of my little daughter when she used to wake me up in the morning. I miss having my wife waiting for me when I come back from work. And most of all., I miss my dear mother whom I have not seen since last May.

Although Sudanese people are so kind and they just love Iraqis, it just does not feel like home to me. I don't know why. For some one spent the last two and a half years wandering between Turkey, Egypt, Syria, Jordan, and Iraq, another country should not feel that much different. And despite that I have spent long times alone and away from my family, I am not able to understand the strange feeling of loneliness here.

Of course Sudan is not as fancy or developed as Jordan, in which I spent most of the last two years. But feeling the you are living in a society that does not reject you for holding an Iraqi passport is just way too different from the hatred I faced in Jordan. Sudanese are very simple and soft hearted people.

I have imagined being in so many places in the world, and Sudan was not one of them. But as I said before, this was the only country that I had the opportunity to enter, work, and have a valid residence permission in. Unlike Jordan where I lived and worked with no valid residence visa or work permit. And accordingly, I was haunted by the idea of being departed from Jordan, as many of my friends, at any time.

Life here is slow. And people here feel like there is nothing that can not wait until tomorrow. Probably thats why Sudan is not that well developed despite the uncountable resources this country has.

I just wish I can go back to Baghdad at this very moment. You may ask why don't I. Knowing what I know, and seeing what I have seen there, no one can think of having a settled family life there. I escaped from death in Baghdad, or death have evaded me, for countless number of times. And I just don't feel that I can raise my daughter there. I feel obligated to provide a better life for my daughter and wife. At least better than the one that I had so far. Three major wars, including an 8-years one, along with 13 years of sanctions, followed by 5 years of occupation summarize my 28-years in this world. I just don't want my daughter to see any of this. This is why I am working hard to get her and my wife out of Iraq as soon as I can.

The night here is so long, or at least it seems like that to me. Endless thought race into my mind as soon as I try to settle my head on that pillow. It seems like I am stuck here with that ugly coffee mug I bought in Syria, my laptop, and that stinky pack of cigarettes that is wearing me out.

In Jordan, I used to have a lot of friends. I used to tranquilize my loneliness by spending time with them without thinking about all people and things I miss. But here, its just not the same. I don't know why. There are many decent places that one can spend time in. And the nature is just unbelievably beautiful. But I don't know why I lost the appetite to go out. I used to lead the trips and parties back in college, and now I am just so tired. So weary, that I just want the days to pass. I really would like to settle down. Anywhere. And I mean just anywhere. I need to settle and get my family here. I don't know how long would that take. And I just don't know if I will be able to see my mother and father again. I was forbidden to enter Jordan more than once. And I am just haunted by the idea that I might just die without seeing my mother and father. And what makes it even worse, both of them do not have valid residence visa in Jordan. So, if the leave Jordan they won't be able to go back there. I mean I was like 4 hours drive from Amman in Damascus, I the motherf*cker at the Jordanian borders did no allow my to enter Jordan to see them off before coming here to Sudan. He said "You don't have adequate reasons to enter the kingdom".

And now I see that I don't have adequate reasons to live. 

Ten hours was the time I, my wife, and my 11-months old daughter spent in Amman, Jordan last June. Yes, it is just another story about an Iraqi family not allowed to enter Jordan for reasons that remain to be unknown.

The long trip started at 7am when we moved towards the Baghdad International Airport. Although nothing on the road or the check-points seem to be Iraqi, the unpredictable flight schedule seemed very Iraqi indeed. After being physically searched and sniffed by the nice American dogs before entering the airport, we reached the first waiting hall at about 10:30am. It only took us three and a half hours to get there from home.

The flight was scheduled at 11am and there was nothing indicating at which actual time the flight is going to be. At about 11:30am we were called to enter the check-in hall to give our bags to be weighed. We thought that it’s a matter of about 60 minutes and we’ll be in the air. Well, we thought wrong. Just before we got to give our bags, the electricity went off. And believe it or not, there are no working back generators. We waited in the 40C hall for more than 5 hours. My poor daughter slept on the metal bench we were standing by and we kept waiving air for her to stop the rainy sweat. It was 5 hours in hell. But I always keep my hopes up thinking positive thoughts about the guy in the Jordanian intelligence that we arranged to bribe to get us into Jordan. And I was thinking about our small apartment there where we lived for the past two years. I was thinking that it was worth to wait for.

Long story short, the airplane took off at 7pm as it was sent to another trip to Iran and we were waiting for the plane to come back to take us to Amman. My daughter and wife were not feeling very well because of the time we had to wait in the horrible hall and the poor girl kept vomiting for like an hour during the flight.

Once we touched down, I turned my cell phone on, with the Jordanian SIM card in it and I received a call from the bribe guy saying that he is waiting for us before the passports line as planned. I gave him our passports and we stood away from the line waiting for the bribe guy to bring the good news. But unfortunately he did not.

I was taken for questioning by the intelligence guy, and this is a normal procedure the Jordanians follow with ALL the Iraqis. They asked why am I coming and for how long do we plan to stay and this sort of questions. There was some yelling by the intelligence guys trying to squeeze information out of me like I was some kind of a terrorist. I did not care that much as I was sure thing were going in the right direction by the 400$ I was paying as a bribe. Well, again I was wrong. They kept our passports and asked us to wait with a bunch of Iraqis who were waiting by the passport queues.

Les than an hour later, they came to us with a list of names, saying that we will be sent back home. No explanations were given. And the $1500 we paid for the air fare does not entitle us to an explanation. We were taken to the airport prayers zone and this was our jail for the night. There were no beds, only few blankets to share with about 40 people whom were not entitled to enter the kingdom of safety. They brought us dinner from Popeye’s chicken and the doors were look to the morning. I made few phone calls during the night thinking that I might get us out of here before the next day’s flight to Baghdad, but it did not work. No Jordanian I knew was interested in helping an Iraqi. Iraqis became more dangerous than avian flu. You’re not allowed to even talk about them.